30 Reasons why you shouldn’t have died:
30. Because no one laughed quite like you, it was completely absorbing and infectious.
29. Your friends still miss you, We have heard from Debbie and Sue J… Haidy, Terry, Janice and Kathleen.
28. Minkee misses you too (we’re sorry we poked the eyes out already).
27. We’ve no one to call “fartface” or “fartbag” or plain old “farty”.
26. You should have experienced The Clash, New Order, The Smashing Pumpkins, Radiohead, The White Stripes… We could go on-and-on…
25. Someone got away with your murder: that is wrong.
24. You should have experienced the pleasure of ragging on the Surete du Quebec, which Andre and I engage in quite often, and with great hilarity. And we would have done it even if you hadn’t died… they’re such buffoons, they can’t help themselves.
23. Sure we kid about the police, but that just us being kids. We respect them and need them to solve your murder.
22. We could have used your vote in the last election.
21. You would have hated Adam Sandler, but Sacha Baron Cohen would have been right up your alley: Funny, sharp, sexy.
20. Also, Dave Chapelle was like a return to the Carol Burnett Show, only with bad language: you’d have enjoyed that too.
19. No one round here knows what Juicy Jellies are anymore.
18. I can’t remember.
17. I can’t remember.
16. Playing Careers, Clue, Masterpiece, Milles Bornes, Monoploy, Ramoli was fun with you. You played to win, which is why I always cheated.
15. The Expos left Montreal, did you hear that?
14. To the person that did this: you broke her parents’ hearts, I hope it was worth it for you.
13. Christmas’ just aren’t the same: I experience chronic ADD around the holidays.
12. You would have have had children by now, possibly grandchildren… we were denied that.
11. You would have made a significant contribution to society, you were denied that.
10. We can’t forget going to get you at the morgue.
9. What are we going do with all your junk? If you were here this would be your problem.
8. Congratulations: Merriam-Webster now officially recognizes “brung” as a slang past participle of “bring”.
7. Apart for the occasional hit David Bowie has mostly sucked for the last 30 years. You were wise to jump-off prior to Let’s Dance… yuck.
6. Kiss became a huge rock-n-roll phenomena: you could have stopped that.
5. I can’t remember.
4. To the community: we need your help. It take real courage to come forward after all this time. Muster it.
3. You made a great grilled cheese sandwich.
2. Parents shouldn’t outlive their children.
1. You murder shouldn’t remain unsolved after 30 years.