2006 Year End Crime Review

Kristian Gravenor’s annual year in crime review appears to be no more. Gravenor’s column does nt appear in the current Montreal Mirror, but I have decided to to take up the cause.

Here from the archives of Lexis Nexis I give you the 2006 Quebec Year in Crime Review:

1. Those who can’t Police, Police the Highways

Norman Proulx: you are head of the Surete du Quebec. Your police technology systems are outdated, you’ve got an unsolved murder rate like no other province, you’ve got organized crime on the ropes, but it still needs your attention: what do you do?

Why claim highway safety as your number one priority in 2007 of course!

Watch out Speedy Gonzalez, Proulx has “developed a series of action plans to combat bad driving habits”.

“I got you in my sights, tabernac”

It appears Proulx’ “tough on wheels” policy has already got Quebecers quaking in their boots. Last week armed gunmen held up a Dollard depanneur then led police on chase across the JC bridge into Longueuil, all the while obeying traffic signals and driving the speed limit.

2. Free Drinks at Blue Bonnets? Oh The Humanity!

The auditor general uncovered $15 million in unaccounted spending for Quebec’s horse racing tracks. Describing it as an “open bar” – and apparently unaccustomed to the perils of hyperbole – national assembly auditor general Renaud Lachance referred to the situation as a “history of horrors”.

Slow Monday night at the Hippodrome

Liberal leaders were quick to point out that the scandal occurred while the Parti Quebecois was in charge. Finance Minister Michel Audit again passed the buck stating,

“It will now be up to the (Surete du Quebec) to decide what steps to take…”


3. It would make the Hansen Brothers Blush

What’s with the Joliette Action junior hockey team? Binge drinking? Sex tape scandals?

Everybody wants a piece of the Action

Granted I never played junior hockey but in my day an initiation spelled w-e-d-g-y, maybe even the dreaded swirly, but even that was considered crossing a line

4. Myriam Bedard Goes Gaga

Myriam? This is the earth calling. You’re due back down here soon. I know you think the world is out to get you, but a Canadian conspiracy on that level would require Canadians coming together in a common interest, and we all know that’s impossible.

Just what caused the former two-time Olympic gold biatholete to lose her mind? Who Knows? But it’s certain, she’s gone bat-shit, she’s coo-coo for coco puffs, she’s skeet shooting in her own private Idaho.

5. Tell us something we didn’t know

Stockwell Day announces the Liberals broke rules and mis-spent $4 million between 2003 – 2005 in its botched policing of Kanesatake.

6. They say it’s your birthday

The Hell’s Angels celebrate 22 years at the Lennoxville bunker. Party games included the traditional justice minister pinata, bobbing for shivs in a tub of Jack Daniels, and pin the pasty on the stripper. (thank you, I’m here all week.)

7 . Trees Stolen, Officers Hurt

In Sherbrooke (of course). SQ officers (of course, of course) stops a van load of Christmas trees at 4 am leaving a Christmas tree farm lot. The van driver backs into the police cruiser and drives away. Ever determined the officers are in pursuit and stop the van a second time. AGAIN, the “fool me once” officers stop behind the van and AGAIN the driver backs over the cruiser and makes its getaway. Subjects were not apprehended.

8. Fleet Footed Fuzz in Fraud Frumpus

Algonquin reserve police chief Gordon McGregor tried to have the force pay for $290 worth of salsa dancing lessons for him and his girlfriend. McGregor claimed it was all a misunderstanding and that local criminal elements were trying to make him look bad,

“These individuals in the drug trade will find any opportunity to discredit the police force or myself.”

9. Got ’em, got ’em. need ’em

From the file of gut-check desperate measures, the Haute-Yamaska Surete du Quebec detachment announces it will use trading cards with images of police officers rather than sports stars to deter crime. Says the ever optimistic Chief, Lieut. Jocelyn Desrochers,

“[The cards] will allow police officers to get closer to youth and to take advantage of the privileged moment in which they’ll hand out a card to create a relationship and to transmit preventive messages whose benefits are inestimable,”

The coveted Polixe the mascot card
Only 160,000 in circulation

Call me a killjoy but carrying around police trading cards at schools seems like a sure fire way of getting your ass kicked. The last check on Ebay showed these babies in the zero-bidders area. Unphased Desrochers further offered,

The program “will serve as a tool to forge links with the community, all the while demystifying the police officer and facilitating communication, as well as the exchange of information among officers, youth, and even their parents,”

10. Nerd Brigade

Wanted: A few good men to serve on the RCMP’s white collar SWAT unit, The Integrated Market Enforcement Teams (IMET). Must own calculator and be able to count to ten.

To counter embezzlement and financial scandals the RCMP decides to assemble crack teams of investigators, forensic accountants, and analysts. Problem is, no one in Quebec is qualified. Says the investigator heading up the Montreal unit, Insp. Gaetan Courchesne.

“One has to understand that files that involve major potential frauds take a lot of time because of their complexity, the number of documents that have to be analyzed and the judicial process we have to respect.”

So basically you have to read a lot of stuff and be able to follow the law.


Ok, be safe. Remember to turn the murder clocks back to zero!


Leave a Reply